Eight.

Holy eight weeks Batman! That's the maximum number of weeks we have left until Lukas graces our lives and changes our worlds. Eight at the most. Wow. I know everyone says this, but it feels like I blinked and it all went by so quickly. Its been a bit of a whirlwind since we found out Lukas' diagnosis and things are only going to get busier in the following weeks. It makes the days fly by quickly and its all means a step closer to meeting this amazing boy with such a special heart for the first time. And I absolutely cannot contain my excitement. I've dreamed of that moment and I don't think my dreams could ever compare to reality. As scared as I am, I can't wait.

While I feel for the most part I have been doing okay with things, I did have a bit of a slip last week. After my appointment I had a big breakdown. I got to have an incredible talk with my mother-in-law about things and it really brought back some of those emotions, but not in a bad way necessarily. I think I have tried so hard to push them aside in the past weeks that they all came flooding back in an instant. I had a hard time fighting off the tears when talking to her. Truth be told, I have trouble with every echo. Its just that reminder of what is and what the future holds for our boy. It hit me hard when we first found out about Lukas' diagnosis. I felt like my whole world fell apart in that instant. Like someone had hit me in the stomach as hard as they could and just left me lying there gasping for air. Each echo is a reminder of that feeling. It takes me a little while to shake that feeling after each appointment, but I can generally do it. Tuesday was different though and I'm not really sure why. It wasn't a bad appointment at all. It was in fact a very good appointment filled with some good news (especially about Lukas' valve and his growth). But as the weeks grow shorter our story hits me harder. Lukas' story hits me harder.

The hardest part for me is the sense of guilt and the sense of failure. Everyone tells me that there is nothing I could have done differently to prevent this happening and while I believe that deep down, it doesn't remove those feelings from my heart. I am his mother and my job as a parent is to keep him safe and free from harm. I feel like I failed at that fundamental duty. Every parent has this unwritten code that says we never, ever want bad things happening to our children. We don't want them to face hardships or rough patches in life. We don't want them to suffer, be in pain, or endure things we feel to be unfair. We don't want to stand by the sidelines and watch as these things happen before our eyes and feel powerless to do anything to stop it. That's exactly where I am. I feel powerless. I'm not in control of the situation and truthfully, that's tough for me. I have told you all before - I take things hard. I grieve and think hard and deep. The idea of sitting there watching my son go through these levels of care that most of us will never know in our lifetime gets to me. I thought yesterday about the day Jonathan and I will have to hand him over for surgery and it was almost more than I could bear. No parent wants to hand their child to someone who is going to crack their chest open and stop their heart, even when we know its necessary to keep that beautiful heart beating. 

This week I have honestly wondered where I am going to find the strength to do this. I used to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but I have never had those limits tested to the extent they are being tested now. My heart aches and I would give anything in this world without so much as a seconds hesitation to keep this from happening. Unfortunately I can't stop it. I am powerless in this situation and I just have to believe that things will be okay. I have had numerous people ask me how I am dealing with it all and whether I just try not to think about it. To answer that question - I think about it everyday. Every waking moment its on my mind. Sometimes though we have to pick our battles. Could I sit around everyday and cry over what's happening? Sure. I am definitely emotional enough to do so, but I can't. In this instance, I am powerless. It breaks my heart in ways that are impossible to explain, but I am powerless to do anything different or stop it from occurring. Its reality and I have to face it. I have two beautiful little slices of Heaven sitting next to me as I write this who need their mama. They need me to be whole and be present for them; to take care of them and love them despite the edits to our story. So that's what I try to remember when the days get tough. I run to them and hug them because they make my heart stronger. Their smiles, laughs, and little mannerisms make my heart so, so much stronger. These two little boys will never know what they have done for their mama. Little as they may be, they prepared me for the beauty and hardships that lie ahead because they made me stronger and they made me better. 

Sorry this post was so long and deep.  This blog has really been an amazing outlet for me. Its been so incredibly helpful to me to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with you all and hear the encouraging words so many of you have sent me. They have helped so much and I read every single one of them, usually multiple times. I appreciate every single person who has ever visited our blog, said a prayer for our family, and thought of our little Lukas during their busy day. You guys are incredible and thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Please continue praying for our boy and please take a moment to pray for the family of Harrison Mack. They lost their sweet 5-year old little boy while waiting for a heart transplant.