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| happy 27 weeks sweet Lukas |
I have also been following a wonderful blog of a family here in Indianapolis whom lost their sweet son Jaxton on Wednesday, March 9th. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as they enter a very difficult, heartbreaking weekend.
All of this has me reflecting deeply on my own life today. We are facing trials that we have never known and we are walking a path that is truly barren - at least for us. I have found so much hope, strength, and guidance in the many heart friends I have made in the past several weeks following our diagnosis. That's not to mention the incredible support and guidance I have received from my family, friends, children, and husband. Sometimes its easy to think this is as bad as it gets. That nothing else could be worse than this. And I admit, I have been there in these recent weeks. I've felt emotions ranging from happiness to sadness to anger and hopelessness. I've sat and wondered what the hell I did to deserve this and I have asked myself and asked God why this happened.
But you know what? My mind is a better place these days. I have realized this is not a burden and its not a curse. I actually feel lucky and blessed in many ways. That may sound strange to some, but I do. I have entered into a very special community with some great resources and I hope to join and expand those efforts in the future. Its changed my life for the better and made me look at the world a bit differently; with more appreciation. The truth is, tomorrow is promised to no one. Five minutes from now is promised to no one. So why not make the most of that time while you have it? Why not live it up and suck every ounce of goodness and beauty from it that you can? That's kind of my new mantra. I don't want to look back on this and realize how much time I wasted worrying over things I couldn't change. Lukas does have a very special heart. This is a fact. I can't change that now as much as I wished to God I could. I don't want my son to go through these hardships, but I can't change it. All I can do is accept it and move forward. It's part of a delicate plan and those blueprints were handed to us for a reason. Now its time for us to make the most of it. To turn it from something bad into something good and beautiful. That's my goal. Not to dwell on the things that could happen, but rather live in the present. Live for the things that will happen. Take it a day at a time and make plans, but be flexible to the changing tides.
Life is tough. Its real, its deep, and it can be painful. But you know what? It can also be beautiful. It can also be happy, cheerful, and bright. Life isn't something to fear. Its something to embrace and something to look forward to. Do bad things happen? Absolutely. But you can't live in fear of those things. I never imagined years ago I would be here now, facing decisions I never could have fathomed. But its okay. It really is. I probably would not have said that a month ago, but I have come to terms with what is. I have come to terms with our present and our future and its really okay. You know why? Because I know Lukas is worth it. I know his fingers and toes and smiles are going to make all of this a distant memory someday. While I know he will always have this heart condition, it will not make him who he is. It will not define him. He will make his mark on this world in his own way and I look forward to that day. I look forward to seeing who he will become and it will be incredible. I promise.
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| love him |
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| the results of a yogurt fight - beautiful, right? |
Have a happy weekend friends and live it up, ok? =)
So heartbreaking, on both accounts, both the local tragedy and the destruction in Japan. Thinking of you! xo
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts. Now it's time to go put my little heart baby and his brother to stay in their beds..
ReplyDeleteThis post was such a blessing to me. I had a very hard day today, my youngest brother suffers from a terminal illness and has been getting progressively worse lately [he was just admitted into the hospital for the 5th time in the past two months], my grandpa is dying from cancer, and I'm just getting over two weeks of being sick. I've been feeling pretty down about everything lately, and even though I tell others "Life is a beautiful dance! Take each day one step at a time", and so on, sometimes...I just need someone to come and remind me of that. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Today was rough, but God had you write this and He had me read this because He knew it was exactly what I needed to make it through one more day. You are so right, life is beautiful and we need to cherish each moment. Thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and your family. God bless you.
In Christ,
~Hannah Grace
Christie, I found your blog because a friend read aloud the bulk of your blog post to me over the phone, and I had to commend you for your bravery, your strength, and your vulnerability to allow God's power to fill you until you can accept the precious thing that's growing in you right now. I can only imagine it would be difficult to know flesh of your flesh won't be flawless, but then again, who among us is born into perfection? You're so right when you say the heart condition will not define your precious son; God will define him, and thereby put His thumbprint into his sweet little heart. We don't know each other but I am so proud and so touched by this blogpost. I wish you all the best and continued strength in a God so much bigger than what you're facing.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and your family,
-Pip
Love Lukas' 27 week baby belly picture, its growing so beautifully :) This post is very inspiring and I pray that you will continue to receive the amazing strength and hope you have!! Love and hugs.
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