Love Heals.

Happy 29 weeks baby Lukas =) Can you believe that I will likely only be pregnant for another 9 or 10 weeks at the most? That just seems mind boggling to me and to be honest - its got me in a bit of a panic. 9 or 10 weeks is not long at all, especially considering how fast my weeks have been flying by. EEK! In any event, here's a not-so-tiny belly picture for you all:

I had a routine appointment at IU today with Dr. Schubert, which went very well. We addressed my concerns and I mentioned the fact I don't feel Lukas move all the time. Only when there is a really strong kick or flinch. Considering his heart defect, Dr. Schubert decided to do a BPP (which is a biophysical profile). It was explained to me that this ultrasound could take anywhere from 10 minutes to 40 depending on how cooperative the baby was. Ours went super fast, as Lukas was feeling cooperative today. The best part? I got to see him practicing breathing. It was the coolest thing I swear I have ever seen. This tiny little being inside me with his special heart was practicing his breathing and he was doing amazing. The tech even told me that most babies at this age only do it for a few seconds at a time, but little Lukas' rib cage was moving back and forth time and time again. I had to wipe away a few tears on that ultrasound table because it was beautiful. It might not be a big deal to some because I know all babies practice breathing, but I got to see my little Lukas doing it and it meant the world to me. 

The appointment itself was pretty uneventful other than that. I passed my glucose tolerance test with flying colors, which Dr. S was happy about. I measured at 28 weeks, which is about on target with his measurements last week. I have another echo and growth scan on the 5th, which should be fun. Dr. Schubert also set up an appointment with us to meet with Dr. Turrentine, who will be Lukas' surgeon on the 13th. Just a consultation to talk about the tentative plan and what things will tentatively look like. So it was a good day all in all.

I have to be honest though. My heart has felt a little heavy this week. My friend Susy told me about a couple who happen to be friends of hers. They found out on Monday that their precious babe has a CHD, although they do not know what as of yet. It brought those memories of the first time we knew something was wrong with Lukas' heart flooding back again. I remember walking out those doors on the day I found out. I couldn't keep my tears from falling strong and hard. I was angry, I was sad, and I felt pain like I had never known. I saw all of these people laughing, smiling, and having a good time and I just wanted to shout at them to stop. I wanted to scream "don't you know what I'm going through? Don't you know I just got handed the news there is something wrong with my son's heart?" I just wanted the world to stop turning so it wouldn't hurt so much. The truth is, the world doesn't stop turning and that's probably a good thing. If it did, I know my heart wouldn't be where it is now. I wouldn't have my head where it is now and I wouldn't be ready to fight this good fight.

I certainly didn't want people telling me that it was going to be okay and that I would eventually come to a peaceful place where I could accept my son's fate and move forward. I didn't want to move forward. I didn't want to go on living this normal life knowing that my son was going to be fighting for his from the word go. Its just seemed unfair and kind of cruel in a way. I didn't want people telling me that I could do this. I didn't want people telling me I would find the strength to go on. But I did find that strength. I can do this and everything will be okay in the end because I believe that in my heart. I needed my time to grieve. I needed to work those steps of the grieving process; not because I had lost someone, but I had lost something. That something was my innocence. That something was the peace and tranquility I had come to know in my previous pregnancies where worries existed, but they were barely visible on the horizon. It made me so very sad to hear of a family going through these same emotions and hardships. It broke my heart in ways I can't even explain. These stories mean so much more to me and touch me so much more deeply than ever before. So to the Teitsma family, please know that you and your beautiful babe are in my thoughts and prayers. Please join me friends in sending this family your positive thoughts too.

Through all of this, I have come to realize something invaluable. Love heals. It truly does.  It can mend even the most broken heart and make strong the weak. With all this said, I leave you with another gift of healing and I hope this one will touch the Teitsma family during their difficult time.

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend and please continue thinking of our boy. I really think your positive thoughts and energy are working because he is doing so very good right now and it makes this mama's heart burst with joy. So thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!