|Book from my mama along with my FAVORITE book in the world...."A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller|
This week has been filled with its ups and downs. Yesterday I went and watched my niece (who turns 12 today - happy birthday Paige!) play volleyball and it was the first time I have left our house since we got the news Wednesday. And it actually felt good. I got to spend a day with my sister, my niece, my mom, my grandma, and my little nephew Trenton (or T-Boss as he is known to many). Starr introduced me to some of the other volleyball moms whom she had told about our situation and who were adding Lukas' name to prayer lists and forwarding on our blog asking for thoughts and prayers. It was just the right dose of medicine for this fearful, aching heart. To be around people who love and support me, even if it was my first time meeting them, was awesome.
I know this situation is scary and bad, but I know it could be worse in a number of ways. Sometimes I get stuck in the heat of the moment and it is difficult for me to imagine anything being worse than this, but it could be. I know I am lucky in a number of ways and that's what I need to focus on in those heated emotional moments. I am lucky that I am familiar with the hospital where I will be delivering and where our Lukas will eventually receive his operation and care. These hospitals are connected to one another and are less than 30 minutes from our house. Not to mention I have been there a number of times, although for very different reasons. I know what University Hospital and Riley Hospital are all about and I know the brilliant, capable minds who work there. I am lucky to know my baby boy will be in the best hands possible. I am also lucky that the majority of our family lives 5-10 minutes from where we are and that they will be right here in our time of need, and those who aren't will be if duty calls.
I called my mom earlier because I just needed to get some fears, tears, and feelings out. I told her that I cry more now than I ever have in my life and I told her that I am just such deep griever, which is why this hurts so much. This has rocked my world and sent my life into a tailspin. I know there are hard times ahead and I know what I feel right now is only a fraction of the fear, sadness, and guilt I will feel in the months to come. I know I need to take it day by day. I know that I will adjust and I know that I will learn as I go. Right now, I am still working those steps of the grieving process. I am still taking time for myself to cry, to scream, to bargain, and to pray. I know I need these things and this time to come to terms with the inevitable. To come to terms with my new story. I told my mom that I believe we all have defining moments in life; those things we face which either make us or break us. I just never thought this would be my defining moment. I never thought something like this would be that situation that would make or break me. But I am determined to fight the hard fight and I determined to let the positive win. I am determined that things will work out for the better and that this time in my life will make me, not break me.
|This is what keeps me strong and gives me hope (yes, even Riley's hat head)|
While I know it will come in time, I am slowly allowing that fear to soften and melt away. I know it will never fully disappear though. I wouldn't be human if it did. I am scared, but I am also hopeful and everyday I grow a little stronger. I know many more tears will be shed and I know there will be days ahead where I am so scared I can barely move, but I just need to take it in stride and I need to remember that our little Lukas is here for a reason. He is part of my plan and he is making our story all the more majestic. And when the dark starts to creep in and take over I need to remember what brightness and beauty the future also holds. In a few months I am going to meet my son. I am finally going to see his beautiful face, feel the warmth of his skin, see his ten perfect fingers and toes, and I will finally be able to kiss him and cuddle him the way a mama should. I refuse to let fear or negativity ruin that magical first moment when I lay eyes on my third son; my own little slice of Heaven on Earth. My life is about to be (and has already been) enriched in ways I never even dreamed possible. And that is something truly wonderful this uncertain future holds.
Well, off to spend time with my other Heavenly slices now.
|He got a new toy in his Happy Meal today and he was SUPER excited to show it off|
Happy Monday to everyone and please continue thinking of and praying for our boy.