Tomorrow is the big day! Can you believe it? I hardly can, which is why the emotions started coming hard and strong at 7am. I think about what tomorrow holds and I have never felt such as sense of peace and beauty. On the opposite token I have also never felt such fear and uncertainty. Beyond the c-section, I really have no idea what to expect. This morning I thought about it and my heart started beating just a little quicker and it hasn't stopped since. I wrote a status on Facebook first thing this morning and cried through the entire thing. I know its going to be an emotional day. A little over 24 hours out and I am already an emotional basket case.
I decided a while back that I wanted to write Lukas a letter. He won't read it until he is much older of course, but its something I have thought about doing for a long time. I've thought a million times about what I want it to say; how I want to express every thought and feeling to my son. The truth is that I don't know if I have the perfect words. I don't know if it will ever be "perfect," but at least I gave it the ole' college try. So I wanted to share that letter with each of you on the eve of his birth.
My Dear Lukas:
Tomorrow, June 3rd, marks the day you will enter into this world. I have thought of and dreamed of this moment more times than I could ever count, but I know the real thing is going to far exceed any dream I could ever have. From the moment I found out you were going to be coming into our family on October 2, 2010, I knew you were special even though at the time I had no rhyme or reason for believing so. January 26, 2011 gave me that answer. This is the day we found out about your heart defect. I cannot express the emotions I felt that day. I had never felt so proud to see you growing and thriving so perfectly, but I had never known such fear either. It was a defining moment in my life and the day our story officially began. That day is still so fresh that it feels like only yesterday and yet, here we are, about to welcome you into this world for the first time. I can hardly comprehend the fact that this chapter of our journey is ending, while a beautiful new one is on the horizon. I am scared Lukas. I have been from the moment we found out about your very special heart. Not a singular moment has passed where I haven't pleaded with God to let this be happening to me and not you. I fear the unknown having never walked with path before. I don't really know what to expect or how things will occur once you take your first breath in this world. For your mama, the control freak and planner, that unknown is both bewildering and unsettling. Its hard for me to comprehend in many ways, but I have faith that is strong. I have faith in your medical team, but most of all Lukas, I have faith in you. That faith has gotten me through each and every day.
I started a blog for you Lukas. It was the best way I knew how to reach out to others and keep them up to date on your progression. I cannot tell you what an amazing experience it has been. So many people prayed for you Lukas and not just here at home. People prayed for you all over the world. They wrote about your story and they asked for even more prayers. I watched the world come together for a little boy no one had ever met and it was the most beautiful, touching thing. When my heart was aching so very much, all of those prayers helped to heal it. They made me stronger Lukas. They made me stronger for you. So many other "heart mamas" reached out with open arms to answer my questions, calm my fears, and give me a much needed shoulder to cry on. All those who prayed for you and left me comments, emails, and letters in the mail will forever hold a special place in my heart. You touched the heart of the world before you ever saw it with your own eyes and that is miraculous. Your impact is being felt the world over.
While I know there are difficult times ahead I want you to know something. I am so proud to be your mother. I am so awe struck by you Lukas and I cannot wait to welcome you into this world with your Daddy and your brothers. Riley talks about you all the time and he loves placing his little hand on my stomach and feeling you move. Hayden looks a little confused when he does it, but he always gives that silly laugh afterward. The world is ready for you Lukas. You are entering an incredible family who already love you so very much. They will always be here for you and they will always protect you. I watched this family I love so dearly pull together so much in our time of need and it has meant everything to me. So much love and admiration awaits your arrival. You have made our world and our story so much richer and more beautiful and we are truly blessed for that. You have already brought such beauty and majesty into my life and that of our family Lukas. I cannot wait to see the man you become. I cannot wait to watch you grow and make your mark on this world. I know you will do amazing things one day Lukas and I look forward to watching that story unfold.
Tomorrow we will celebrate your birthday. We will not wait for the struggles ahead, but rather we will bask in every moment we get to whisper "I love you." We will cherish every moment we get to wash your perfect skin with our happy tears. We will celebrate every moment and we will cross those hard bridges when we get to them. We will get through it Lukas, I promise you. For now though, we get to love you and touch you and kiss you whenever we want. And I can't wait Lukas. I can't wait. I love you with everything inside of me Lukas and I will never stop fighting for you. I will always be here and I promise I will always give it my all. Thank you for allowing me to be your mother Lukas. Thank you for changing my world for the better and for making me a better person. I love you my sweet boy.
Please say a prayer for tomorrow friends. Please pray that Lukas' birth is as uncomplicated and easy as possible. Pray for an easy transport to Riley and just pray for our boy all around. Thank you to every one who has followed our journey so far and prayed for our family and for Lukas. You will never know the extent to which you have helped me get through this; how much strength and perseverance you have instilled in me. While this chapter is coming to a close and the curtain is about to fall for the final time, I hope you will continue following and sharing as our new chapter begins. I promise it will be beautiful =)
So, here is to tomorrow and to Lukas!