Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Letter to My Son.

Tomorrow is the big day! Can you believe it? I hardly can, which is why the emotions started coming hard and strong at 7am. I think about what tomorrow holds and I have never felt such as sense of peace and beauty. On the opposite token I have also never felt such fear and uncertainty. Beyond the c-section, I really have no idea what to expect. This morning I thought about it and my heart started beating just a little quicker and it hasn't stopped since. I wrote a status on Facebook first thing this morning and cried through the entire thing. I know its going to be an emotional day. A little over 24 hours out and I am already an emotional basket case. 

I decided a while back that I wanted to write Lukas a letter. He won't read it until he is much older of course, but its something I have thought about doing for a long time. I've thought a million times about what I want it to say; how I want to express every thought and feeling to my son. The truth is that I don't know if I have the perfect words. I don't know if it will ever be "perfect," but at least I gave it the ole' college try. So I wanted to share that letter with each of you on the eve of his birth.

My Dear Lukas:
Tomorrow, June 3rd, marks the day you will enter into this world. I have thought of and dreamed of this moment more times than I could ever count, but I know the real thing is going to far exceed any dream I could ever have. From the moment I found out you were going to be coming into our family on October 2, 2010, I knew you were special even though at the time I had no rhyme or reason for believing so. January 26, 2011 gave me that answer. This is the day we found out about your heart defect. I cannot express the emotions I felt that day. I had never felt so proud to see you growing and thriving so perfectly, but I had never known such fear either. It was a defining moment in my life and the day our story officially began. That day is still so fresh that it feels like only yesterday and yet, here we are, about to welcome you into this world for the first time. I can hardly comprehend the fact that this chapter of our journey is ending, while a beautiful new one is on the horizon. I am scared Lukas. I have been from the moment we found out about your very special heart. Not a singular moment has passed where I haven't pleaded with God to let this be happening to me and not you. I fear the unknown having never walked with path before. I don't really know what to expect or how things will occur once you take your first breath in this world. For your mama, the control freak and planner, that unknown is both bewildering and unsettling. Its hard for me to comprehend in many ways, but I have faith that is strong. I have faith in your medical team, but most of all Lukas, I have faith in you. That faith has gotten me through each and every day.

I started a blog for you Lukas. It was the best way I knew how to reach out to others and keep them up to date on your progression. I cannot tell you what an amazing experience it has been. So many people prayed for you Lukas and not just here at home. People prayed for you all over the world. They wrote about your story and they asked for even more prayers. I watched the world come together for a little boy no one had ever met and it was the most beautiful, touching thing. When my heart was aching so very much, all of those prayers helped to heal it. They made me stronger Lukas. They made me stronger for you. So many other "heart mamas" reached out with open arms to answer my questions, calm my fears, and give me a much needed shoulder to cry on. All those who prayed for you and left me comments, emails, and letters in the mail will forever hold a special place in my heart. You touched the heart of the world before you ever saw it with your own eyes and that is miraculous. Your impact is being felt the world over.

While I know there are difficult times ahead I want you to know something. I am so proud to be your mother. I am so awe struck by you Lukas and I cannot wait to welcome you into this world with your Daddy and your brothers. Riley talks about you all the time and he loves placing his little hand on my stomach and feeling you move. Hayden looks a little confused when he does it, but he always gives that silly laugh afterward. The world is ready for you Lukas. You are entering an incredible family who already love you so very much. They will always be here for you and they will always protect you. I watched this family I love so dearly pull together so much in our time of need and it has meant everything to me. So much love and admiration awaits your arrival. You have made our world and our story so much richer and more beautiful and we are truly blessed for that. You have already brought such beauty and majesty into my life and that of our family Lukas. I cannot wait to see the man you become. I cannot wait to watch you grow and make your mark on this world. I know you will do amazing things one day Lukas and I look forward to watching that story unfold.

Tomorrow we will celebrate your birthday. We will not wait for the struggles ahead, but rather we will bask in every moment we get to whisper "I love you." We will cherish every moment we get to wash your perfect skin with our happy tears. We will celebrate every moment and we will cross those hard bridges when we get to them. We will get through it Lukas, I promise you. For now though, we get to love you and touch you and kiss you whenever we want. And I can't wait Lukas. I can't wait. I love you with everything inside of me Lukas and I will never stop fighting for you. I will always be here and I promise I will always give it my all. Thank you for allowing me to be your mother Lukas. Thank you for changing my world for the better and for making me a better person. I love you my sweet boy.

Love You, 
Your Mother


Please say a prayer for tomorrow friends. Please pray that Lukas' birth is as uncomplicated and easy as possible. Pray for an easy transport to Riley and just pray for our boy all around. Thank you to every one who has followed our journey so far and prayed for our family and for Lukas. You will never know the extent to which you have helped me get through this; how much strength and perseverance you have instilled in me. While this chapter is coming to a close and the curtain is about to fall for the final time, I hope you will continue following and sharing as our new chapter begins. I promise it will be beautiful =)

So, here is to tomorrow and to Lukas! 
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16 comments:

  1. How exciting and scary and wonderful! I am praying for an easy delivery for Lukas and a fast recovery for mom. Many prayers coming your way.

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  2. Praying for you and your precious son Lukas! Hope tommorow is a beautiful for all!

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  3. wow, you just flooded me with the memory of being induced and knowing, yet at the same time not knowing, what to expect when that little heart baby comes out. I'll be praying for you and lukas!

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  4. Sending prayers and love. Remember you've got a heart friend in town thinking of you and willing to send whatever you need. Lots of love!

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  5. Christie, I have followed your blog practically since day one. I cannot believe Lukas will be here tomorrow. You have been so brave sharing your journey with the blogging world. Lukas is lucky to have you as his mother and you are lucky to have him. May God's grace be with both of you tomorrow.

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  6. Can't believe Lukas is here tomorrow! Your letter to him is beautiful, brought tears to my eyes. Praying for you all tomorrow.

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  7. Many many prayers for tomorrow! I live on the west side of Indy and have been following your blog and praying since you started. You have a lot of prayer warriors for Lukas!

    With love,
    Andi

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  8. June 3rd...thinking of you and Lukas all day. Hope all is well.

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  9. Hey christie I'm here at Riley Hospital to see Lukas but as it turns there is an age limit so even though we tried I'm still glad I got to see him for a little while before. I'm just glad I got be here and that you finally got to see my nails. Lukas is a beautiful little boy. He looks like Hayden and Riley!!! Love ya and your boys. Remember I would love to watch the boys this summer!!

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  10. Lisa Lugar, Christie's mommyJune 7, 2011 at 1:48 PM

    Dear Christie, I must first tell you how proud I am to be your mother. Christie, you are an amazing woman and I love you so very very much. Jonathan is a wonderful father and watching how he handled all the difficulty this situation handed him, he is also an amazing man. I love you both more than you will ever know. Lukas is very lucky to be born into such a wonderful family. He has the best mom and dad to love him and guide his life for success. He has two older brothers who will show and teach him the ropes. Christie, you and Jonathan have given me three beautiful boys to love and cherish. I must also say, you guys sure do make beautiful children. I guess Honathan and Tistie have all the good ingredients to make those incredibly beautiful little boys that are your sons. I thank you and God for allowing me to be your mother. Christie, you make me very proud to be a mother and now I have a total of six beautiful grandchildren. One special granddaughter and five special grandsons. Life is good because of Starr, Doc Millick (Brandon), Richard, Mandi, Christie (showing amazing strength), Jonathan (supporting my little girl), and my incredible, amazing, and beautiful grandchildren Paige, Brayden, Riley, Hayden, Trenton, and Lukas. Thank you God for all these wonderful blessings in my life. I love you Christie and you are truly an amazing and wonderful woman, daughter, and mother. I will always be here for you. I will always love you and support your dreams. Christie, I am so proud of you honey and I am so proud to be your mommy. I love you sugar doll; you did a wonderful job with your pregnancy and delivery. Now, we have another beautiful little boy to love. Christie, you have given me another miracle in my life. Thank you for that!!!!! I love you little girl.
    Love always and forever,
    Mama bear

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  11. Lisa Lugar, Lukas's grannyJune 7, 2011 at 2:11 PM

    Dear Lukas, welcome to your wonderful world. You have the best mommy and daddy, and you have two wonderful brothers who will show you a fun life. Watch out for Riley, he likes to keep all the toys for himself. Hayden will get the toys back for you. He is gaining his grounds. Riley and Hayden will be your best friends and they will always have your back. When you feel like talking and mom and dad are not listening, you will always have your two brothers who will listen and understand. When I first saw you my heart just melted. All your beautiful dark hair and your sweet innocent little face just made me burst with happiness and joy. I have thought of you every day and I always new that God would take care of you. I also want you to know that you have an incredible pappy in heaven watching over you as well. I wish my father and your great grandfather (pap) could hold you and look into your eyes. He loves you and he watched over your growth and birth with God. Lukas, your great grand pappy is God's right hand man. He is a saint. He lived his life for his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. He was also there to keep you protected. Lukas, you are loved so very much. You are so beautiful and incredible. I am so thankful to be your granny. I will always be here for you and I will always support your dreams and efforts. I love you Lukas, my littlest grandson. Thank you God for the gift of Lukas. We promise to take care of him and love him with all of our hearts. I love you sweet Lukas.
    Love always and forever,
    Granny

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  12. I want to respect your privacy but could you please just let us know how Lukas is doing? Thank you.

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  13. Christie, once again... so well written! As a mom of a Truncus baby, my heart goes out to you and your family! I know this first weeks will be hard - but lots of folks are praying for you all!

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  14. Hey Christie you just tell me about babysitting the boys because I would love to and I've heard your a little stressed out now that lukas is here. Just tell me if there is ANYTHING we can do to help you. I really love to watch them. I'm wishing you all the luck in the world.I love ya!

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  15. Dear christie, I was so happy when I got to look into lukas' eyes and see that even though his heart is small its full of love. I can see his future and it is pure and clear and I just know that everyone is going to pull through this with smiles on our faces. I spent monday watching Riley and Hayden and they are so amazing and funny. I know Lukas is going to grow to be so close to them and they are going to love each other. When they were getting into lees car to go home riley was crying so hard, he didn't want to leave. I felt so bad for him. We had a really great day and I was so happy to have them over. I could never imagine how hard this must be on you. With so much going on around you it must be so confusing. Just remember you have two sons at home that love you and you have one son that has just met his mother and father and family and already know that this is where hes supposed to be, with his loving family that will always care for him and love him. I look at Riley and I see a strong, handsome, wonderful boy with a sense of humor like no other and I look at Hayden and I see and funny, sensitive, beautiful character and I know they will always stand by lukas' side and protect those who are close to them. I love to watch and learn about them. Its so intriguing and funny and amazing, its everything its supposed to be. You did a good job and you will do the same with your newest adition. I love you guys and how well you get along. I love you guys so much and I can't wait until the next time I babysit!

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