How are we doing? This is a question we have been asked a lot in the past few days. The truth is, not so good but we are hanging in there. Only a few days have passed since that fateful appointment and already this has been like the worst rollercoaster ride you could ever imagine. I wouldn't wish it on a single soul. Our emotions pretty much change from one moment to the next. One minute I think I am coming to terms with it only to realize I'm not. Not even close. I try to remind myself that is probably the normal human reaction to this type of thing. I think I am still in a state of disbelief; like I am hanging in a delicate balance between "Please let this be a bad dream" and "Dude, wake up. This is reality." There is not a single second that has passed since we got our diagnosis that I haven't wished for and longed to be able to trade places with Lukas. The idea of him having to go through such immense hardships so early in his life is heart wrenching. Every little kick, flutter, and tumble I feel is a reminder of that and it brings that tide of emotions towards the shore once again. But those little kicks, flutters, and tumbles are pure magic and I love every one.
I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to do this; to watch my baby go through this. But I believe that things happen for a reason, even if I don't wholly understand that reason right now. And just maybe we aren't meant to understand. I was raised with the belief that no one is handed more than they can handle, but boy are those limits being tested now. At the end of the day, I lean on my faith. I lean on hope. I lean on my family and friends who have been there for me every second since this began. I lean on what I have to in order to make that next step forward. On that note, my beautiful sister sent out an e-mail to her friends as well as a mass e-mail to her coworkers at Wishard asking for their thoughts and prayers for our boy. It moved me hard and deep. I still can't read that e-mail without crying. So to big my sister I want to say: Starr, I love you with everything inside of me and thank you for being the best sister I could ever ask for. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I am so honored to call you my sister.
|Starr and I at Richard and Mandi's wedding in September|
The outpouring of love and support we have received has been amazing. There is no other word to describe it. I know it may sound corny or even cliché to say that I draw strength from your kind words, but its true. To know people are out there thinking of us and praying for our Lukas, oh man, its making me stronger day by day for the battle that lies ahead. Words like these are truly helping to making my heart whole again.
|Just a few of the beautiful comments we have received - thank you all from the bottom of my heart|
These next weeks and months are going to be filled with uncertainty. I have no idea what lies before us and I can't tell you how uneasy that makes me. Right now I don't even know who my prenatal care is being transferred to. I don't know the exact time frame when that change will happen, and I don't know anything about delivering at University Hospital or being a part of the Riley Hospital family.
For now, I am spending as much time with these beautiful little souls as I can, because I know there will be a time in the not so distant future where I won't be right here with them everyday. That fact alone ravages my heart.
|Riley has a thing for Christmas pajamas =)|
|A little game Riley and Hayden like to play|
Their sweet Aunt Mandi has already said she will spoil them rotten during that time and give them as much chocolate as they want. Oh Mandi, we love you so. Forget the "in-law" part, you are my sister and I love you. Oh and to give my wonderful big brother a little love too: Richard, there is some Journey in the playlist. Just to honor you. Love you bro.
|Yes, she is gorgeous and we love her (and mama-in-law Cheri too).|
So, what comes next? Well, our little Hayden has surgery on the 8th, I have another fetal echo on the 9th, and then what will likely be my last "normal" OB appointment before our transfer of care takes place on the 15th.
As always, please continue praying for our sweet boy.