I should probably begin by telling you why I'm here sharing this journey with you guys. Here's a (not so brief) run down. Jonathan and I have two little boys, Riley and Hayden. In October 2010 our lives changed when we found out we were expecting our third child. Of course those typical first trimester fears sink in and you worry about the possibility of miscarriage, checking your toilet paper every time you go to the restroom and panicking at every slight pain and cramp. From the beginning, I have been very fearful this whole pregnancy. At about 5 weeks along Jonathan and I discovered after calling my doctor for some bleeding I had been experiencing that I had a subchrionic hemorrhage and would need weekly ultrasounds to ensure its size was not increasing and it was not jeopardizing the baby in any way. The fear kicked in high gear at that time, but the bleed resolved itself a few short weeks later. Still deep down I felt something was off. It just felt different this time around in a way that I could not wholly describe to anyone else.
Fast forward to last Tuesday, January 18th. We had the ultrasound. You know, the one every pregnant woman waits impatiently for. We were going to be finding out the gender of our little Peanut. We found out that day that we were expecting our third little boy. When I saw his tiny fingers, toes, and his little facial features I fell hard. My pregnant body could muster nothing but pure, true love at that moment. I noticed during the ultrasound that the tech appeared to be lingering for quite some time on his heart. She said he was simply moving around a lot and she was having difficulty getting the shots she needed due to this incessant movement. In my heart I knew that wasn't true, but I also knew she would never be allowed to say differently for legal reasons. When the ultrasound was finally over, I sat in the waiting room and watched the ultrasound tech walk briskly behind the closed doors leading to the exam rooms. When my name was called my doctor and this ultrasound tech were looking very intently at a computer screen and my heart dropped. I knew it was for me and I knew exactly why. At that moment a feeling of pure fear and uncertainty came over me. The doctor walked in and explained that everything on the ultrasound looked great and then I heard that word no one wants to here. She then said but, the tech had trouble viewing a few of the outflow tracks to his heart that we like to identify. She tried to tell me that she was not overly worried about it because everything else appeared so wonderful on the ultrasound, but she was going to have Katie (the OB nurse for the practice) make an appointment upstairs with the Maternal Fetal Medicine office just for a closer look since their ultrasound machines are far more detailed.
Thankfully Katie called me the next morning and said that she had gotten an appointment for me that Friday, so I only had to wait a few short days. To me those days did not feel short at all. The waiting felt like an eternity. Friday morning finally arrived and I got to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office and checked in. My referral report was sitting right there on the desk and I read it while they scanned my insurance card and made the doctor aware of my arrival. The report read "abnormal axis and inability to view heart outflow tracks." This was basically what my doctor said to me too, so I tried not to worry although my heart was absolutely pounding and my stomach was in knots. I only sat in the waiting room for a few short moments before I was called back to the room where they would be performing an ultrasound. The tech was the sweetest, most kind woman and she explained to me that they always take a lot more measurements and look a lot more carefully at each structure so she did not want me to worry. As she went along, she explained every organ and we laughed about how amazing this whole process was. I asked her if everything looked ok and she very sweetly said "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but everything looks wonderful so far." Then she went to his heart and looked around. She explained that all four chambers were clearly visible, which ruled out a lot and was a good sign. Then she switched to the fetal heart view, which made everything on the screen much bigger for a closer examination. She turned on this doppler view that showed blood flow in and out of the heart and then I saw her label "left outflow track." I breathed a sigh of relief and thought "oh good, they're there." She finished up her portion of the ultrasound and uploaded it to the computer. She told me that one of the maternal fetal medicine doctors would come in and speak to me and that she would perform her own ultrasound showing me the vital organs and structures, but that it would likely be quick and not as detailed as her own.
She left the room to get the doctor and I sat there with these big ultrasound pictures she so sweetly printed off for me on my belly. I gazed lovingly at his little profile and the pictures of his tiny feet and hands. The minutes passed and Dr. Skannal walked in and introduced herself. She asked me if we knew the gender of the baby and I told her it was a little boy. She then asked if we had a name picked out, to which I replied his name was to be Lukas Robert. Dr. Skannal stated that she liked to call the babies by name, which is why she had asked. She went through the scan and showed me his little kidneys, bladder, stomach, and each section of his brain. She printed off a few photos for me and then went to his heart. She explained each of the chambers and their corresponding valves. She looked at his aorta and showed me the structure as well. It wrapped around his heart beside his spine in the shape of a candy cane. Then I saw her focus and her facial expression change and that moment will forever haunt me. That was the moment that I knew something was wrong. She explained that while the rest of the aorta looked good, where the structure met with his heart was enlarged. Lukas was moving around a lot and was not in the best of positions, but she said it also appeared that his left ventricle may be a little enlarged as well and that she had a difficult time getting a view of his pulmonary artery. The tears started to come, but I held them back as she stated that it would be a good idea to see the pediatric cardiologist who could give me a lot more detailed information and answers as to what was happening and why.
She took me in this consultation room and sat me down. She answered my questions to the best of her ability and then drew me a diagram of what the heart is supposed to look like and what she had found that was different on Lukas. She explained that the cardiologist would do a fetal echo, measure blood flows to and from his heart, look at his valves, etc. and that by the end of our appointment we would have definitive answers. She told me how sorry she was to give me this information and not really be able to tell me anything further than what she already had. She then explained that cardiology appointments are usually set at 22 weeks or beyond due to the fact that at this stage their heart is only a little bigger than a dime, but she was absolutely not going to make me wait that long for answers. The appointment was made and she shook my hand. Up until this point I had held myself together. When she let go of my hand she placed her hand on my shoulder and said "I will keep you and Lukas in my prayers," and I said thank you. As I turned away, the waterworks officially turned on. I began sobbing in a way I never even knew was possible and I had to run from the office. When I got into the elevator, I just put my hand on my little Lukas who was kicking away and cried like I never had.
Fast forward to last Tuesday, January 18th. We had the ultrasound. You know, the one every pregnant woman waits impatiently for. We were going to be finding out the gender of our little Peanut. We found out that day that we were expecting our third little boy. When I saw his tiny fingers, toes, and his little facial features I fell hard. My pregnant body could muster nothing but pure, true love at that moment. I noticed during the ultrasound that the tech appeared to be lingering for quite some time on his heart. She said he was simply moving around a lot and she was having difficulty getting the shots she needed due to this incessant movement. In my heart I knew that wasn't true, but I also knew she would never be allowed to say differently for legal reasons. When the ultrasound was finally over, I sat in the waiting room and watched the ultrasound tech walk briskly behind the closed doors leading to the exam rooms. When my name was called my doctor and this ultrasound tech were looking very intently at a computer screen and my heart dropped. I knew it was for me and I knew exactly why. At that moment a feeling of pure fear and uncertainty came over me. The doctor walked in and explained that everything on the ultrasound looked great and then I heard that word no one wants to here. She then said but, the tech had trouble viewing a few of the outflow tracks to his heart that we like to identify. She tried to tell me that she was not overly worried about it because everything else appeared so wonderful on the ultrasound, but she was going to have Katie (the OB nurse for the practice) make an appointment upstairs with the Maternal Fetal Medicine office just for a closer look since their ultrasound machines are far more detailed.
Thankfully Katie called me the next morning and said that she had gotten an appointment for me that Friday, so I only had to wait a few short days. To me those days did not feel short at all. The waiting felt like an eternity. Friday morning finally arrived and I got to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office and checked in. My referral report was sitting right there on the desk and I read it while they scanned my insurance card and made the doctor aware of my arrival. The report read "abnormal axis and inability to view heart outflow tracks." This was basically what my doctor said to me too, so I tried not to worry although my heart was absolutely pounding and my stomach was in knots. I only sat in the waiting room for a few short moments before I was called back to the room where they would be performing an ultrasound. The tech was the sweetest, most kind woman and she explained to me that they always take a lot more measurements and look a lot more carefully at each structure so she did not want me to worry. As she went along, she explained every organ and we laughed about how amazing this whole process was. I asked her if everything looked ok and she very sweetly said "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but everything looks wonderful so far." Then she went to his heart and looked around. She explained that all four chambers were clearly visible, which ruled out a lot and was a good sign. Then she switched to the fetal heart view, which made everything on the screen much bigger for a closer examination. She turned on this doppler view that showed blood flow in and out of the heart and then I saw her label "left outflow track." I breathed a sigh of relief and thought "oh good, they're there." She finished up her portion of the ultrasound and uploaded it to the computer. She told me that one of the maternal fetal medicine doctors would come in and speak to me and that she would perform her own ultrasound showing me the vital organs and structures, but that it would likely be quick and not as detailed as her own.
She left the room to get the doctor and I sat there with these big ultrasound pictures she so sweetly printed off for me on my belly. I gazed lovingly at his little profile and the pictures of his tiny feet and hands. The minutes passed and Dr. Skannal walked in and introduced herself. She asked me if we knew the gender of the baby and I told her it was a little boy. She then asked if we had a name picked out, to which I replied his name was to be Lukas Robert. Dr. Skannal stated that she liked to call the babies by name, which is why she had asked. She went through the scan and showed me his little kidneys, bladder, stomach, and each section of his brain. She printed off a few photos for me and then went to his heart. She explained each of the chambers and their corresponding valves. She looked at his aorta and showed me the structure as well. It wrapped around his heart beside his spine in the shape of a candy cane. Then I saw her focus and her facial expression change and that moment will forever haunt me. That was the moment that I knew something was wrong. She explained that while the rest of the aorta looked good, where the structure met with his heart was enlarged. Lukas was moving around a lot and was not in the best of positions, but she said it also appeared that his left ventricle may be a little enlarged as well and that she had a difficult time getting a view of his pulmonary artery. The tears started to come, but I held them back as she stated that it would be a good idea to see the pediatric cardiologist who could give me a lot more detailed information and answers as to what was happening and why.
She took me in this consultation room and sat me down. She answered my questions to the best of her ability and then drew me a diagram of what the heart is supposed to look like and what she had found that was different on Lukas. She explained that the cardiologist would do a fetal echo, measure blood flows to and from his heart, look at his valves, etc. and that by the end of our appointment we would have definitive answers. She told me how sorry she was to give me this information and not really be able to tell me anything further than what she already had. She then explained that cardiology appointments are usually set at 22 weeks or beyond due to the fact that at this stage their heart is only a little bigger than a dime, but she was absolutely not going to make me wait that long for answers. The appointment was made and she shook my hand. Up until this point I had held myself together. When she let go of my hand she placed her hand on my shoulder and said "I will keep you and Lukas in my prayers," and I said thank you. As I turned away, the waterworks officially turned on. I began sobbing in a way I never even knew was possible and I had to run from the office. When I got into the elevator, I just put my hand on my little Lukas who was kicking away and cried like I never had.
The weekend has been terribly difficult and it has been hard not to let my mind wander to those dark corners of "what if." My family checked on me repeatedly the whole weekend, asking what they could do to help me through. All I could say was "just pray for him." I am terrified for our appointment tomorrow. As the days have passed and the appointment draws near, these knots in my stomach grow tighter and the tears are welling up once again. The fear is becoming almost unbearable and I am grasping for ways to keep my mind off of what might happen tomorrow. Please pray for him.
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