Difficult.

As of yesterday, we are officially 23 weeks. Each week literally just feels like it is flying by. So in honor of the big two-three, here is an updated snapshot of the ever growing baby belly:

I just noticed the bottom of my shirt was rolled up...grrr I hate that!

This week has been....difficult. I won't sugar coat it. I have had a tough time since my second echo. I think its just the confirmation that this is the "real deal" that I have struggled with this week. All of that fear of the unknown I had allowed to soften and melt away returned with a vengeance. A big part of that came from the phone call I received yesterday. The Maternal Fetal Medicine office called me with my transfer information. My first appointment at IU with my new perinatologist is March 8th. I will be seeing a fantastic physician named Dr. Schubert, whom I have heard miraculous things about. I was asked when my next OB appointment was scheduled, to which I replied this coming Tuesday the 15th. They told me to please keep that appointment, as they had spoken with my OB and the OB nurse at the practice who were updated and informed of the need to transfer hospitals and prenatal care. She then told me this would be my final appointment with my OB and I have to admit something. When I hung up the phone, I cried. Hard. I hate that my relationship with this amazing physician whom I love and trust is ending so prematurely, even though my top priority is doing what is in Lukas' best interest. I know that means a transfer of care, but I still had a difficult time with it. Harder than I had anticipated anyway.

I have also had some trouble sleeping lately and I have nightmares which wake me up when I am finally able to fall asleep. I know this is just those subconscious fears shining through in their own unique way, but there have been many nights these "dreams" have woken me up in tears. Big, heavy tears. During the day my mind just runs wild; like a mouse in one of those wheels. Its hard to turn the thoughts off. Its hard to tune out all of these "what ifs" and worries I have about the future and how this or that might affect Lukas and the boys.

I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she talked about when we spent the day at Paige's volleyball tournaments here in town. She told me she had to drive around for quite a long time afterwards because she got to thinking about all of this and it upset her. She said she has looked through pictures from my childhood and just thought about the fact that you never know what the future holds for your children. I found myself doing this just the other day. I looked back at pictures on my computer and albums I have on Facebook. I thought about this very fact. I even looked at pictures from Richard and Mandi's wedding in September when I was pregnant and had no idea and just thought about the fact that I never would have guessed what the months ahead held for us. What defining moments and what new story lie in waiting. Its changed my life. I never thought about these things in the past nor had I ever prepared myself for something of this magnitude. Something that would rock my very existence to its core and force me to make decisions I never dreamed I would be making. But, I think about how this has changed my life for the better too. It makes me looks at things differently and view the world in a different light. Although my heart aches beyond comprehension, I love Lukas so much. I feel this immense sense of pride and joy at just knowing I get to be his mother. God could have chosen anyone, but he chose me. I get to hold him, kiss him, love him, and comfort him. I get to watch him grow and change. I get to watch my boys become big brothers and witness first hand their unconditional love and pride for their new little brother. In the face of all the difficult things to come, these beautiful points are what keep my heart beating and keep my head from totally fogging. God chose me for a reason and I am determined not to let him down.

Remember that book I told you about? The Twelve Gifts for Healing by Charlene Costanzo? Well, in that book, the second gift for healing says: may you release all regrets and resentments. I have a lot of regrets in my life. Too many to mention. I haven't always made the best decisions and I have resented myself for making some of the foolish mistakes I have because they did hurt and effect others. When we first learned of Lukas' diagnosis, one of the very first things I thought was "this is my punishment for the stupid things I have done; for the hurt I have caused." I know God doesn't work that way though. He doesn't punish and he doesn't cause bad things to happen. So today I am officially releasing all of those regrets and resentments. Think of it as just one of the many steps in my own process of healing and changing for the better.

I promise I will wrap it up. I know this post is overly sentimental and I apologize for that. On a brighter note, my boy is back to himself now. He was even talking to me under his door the other day when he was supposed to be napping and I got to witness him falling asleep talking to his mama. And it was precious. The temperatures are also warming up a bit which means this frost bite inducing cold is beginning to dissipate along with the snow and ice accumulated on every inch of Earth around here. 

My sleepy talker - I promise I moved him to his bed as soon as I took this picture =)

I know I ask this at the end of every post, but please keep praying and thinking of our little Lukas. I know all of these positive thoughts flowing out into the universe are doing good =)


Have a lovely weekend everyone!