So Good.

That big milestone I have waited for has finally arrived. Jonathan and I are finally in the double digit countdown to my due date! Of course, Lukas will be here a bit early due to a repeat Cesearan section, but man am I excited to see that ticker read less than 100 days to go! We are 26 weeks as of today, which means one more week ‘til the home stretch (aka the third trimester)! And just to celebrate, here is a growing 26-week belly for you:

With the weekend quickly approaching, my anticipation grows. I walk by the paperwork on my countertops a million times a day and every time I glance down my heart beats a little faster. Rather than basking in negativity, I am reminding myself multiple times this weekend that this is good. This is another paving stone in our journey to make this path a little less bumpy. I am actually very excited to meet Dr. Schubert. I have heard such wonderful things about him and I admit, I am glad to have someone with such a great reputation on my side watching over Lukas and I.

This weekend, I am determined to suck every drop out of these moments with my boys; to drink in every ounce of them and their love. I will spend the weekend admiring Hayden’s incredible bed head when he runs out of his room in the morning. 
 

isn't that just plain crazy?

I will spend the weekend snuggling with Riley under duvet covers because he isn’t feeling good. 

look at that sad, sick face  =(

I will spend the weekend hearing their precious voices (and coughs) and know just how lucky I really am. I will dream good dreams and smile and laugh like crazy. I will tell my husband just how much I love him, what an amazing father he is to our boys, and how much having him by my side means to me.

Daddy kisses (from Christmas time - hence the stockings in the background - haha)

There are times I still get filled with doubt. Although this endeavor has just begun for our family, it has filled me with a sense of fear and uncertainty unlike anything I have ever known. I am sure other heart mamas who have traveled this road long before I will vouch for that feeling. When we first found out, I felt like the world was crumbling around me. I wasn’t sure how to recover or if I even could recover from hearing such difficult news. I am recovering though. It is a slow process and there will be many speed bumps ahead to slow me down, but right now I am basking in the goodness of where I am. Is it a tough situation? Definitely. Are there days my fear is almost crippling? Absolutely. But I am able to focus more now on the positive. Like the fact that regardless of everything else to come, we get a beautiful, new baby boy to call our own. We get to love him, kiss him, and wash his skin with our happy tears. We get to witness a living, breathing miracle every single day. And we get another little slice of Heaven right here on Earth.

If there is one thing I have learned from this, it’s to find beauty in places and situations you may never have before. To take the time to appreciate those little joys in life no matter how minute they may appear. To bask in the love of family and friends and to realize just how precious and beautiful life really is. So this weekend I want you all to do me a favor – I want you to take a minute and find beauty in something you may never have before. Whether you find beauty in the wind driven swaying of tree branches or the laughter of a loved one, just find one thing this weekend and soak it all in; every teeny tiny moment of it. I promise you will be the better for it =)

And before I wish you all a happy weekend I just had to share this because it fit so very perfectly. I give you the fourth gift of healing:

love it =)

 Have a happy and safe weekend friends and please keep on praying for Lukas!

Seeing the World with Wonder.

Last evening I had a bit of a sleepless night. It was late and for some reason I just could not get my mind to turn off. So I picked up that book my mom bought me again. Remember it? "The Twelve Gifts for Healing." Well, the third gift of healing says "may you see the world with wonder" and that definitely struck a cord deep within me.

You see, I have viewed the world differently since we found out about Lukas' heart defect that fateful day in January. I just feel - different. Its not a bad thing of course, just different. Every week that our pregnancy progresses, I view it with a sense of wonder and amazement. Its amazing how much progress little babies make in utero, even when things are wrong. I view each kick with wonder and just marvel at how strong each one is. I even look at our boys with a sense of wonder. Not that I didn't before, of course, but its still different now. I notice the little things they do that make each one so uniquely them. Their growth, health, and beauty amazes me. 

he is literally impossible to get a picture of with actual eye contact

showing me his "post card" from Paradise =)

I even look at all of these amazing, intelligent doctors with wonder. Its amazing what they can do now in our day and age and its wonderful to know our sweet little boy will be in such capable hands. I look at our world in general with wonder. I drink every moment of every day in now when I really didn't before. I step outside and a I take a moment to feel the breeze. I take a moment to wave and smile at my neighbors who are outside. I take extra long to walk from the mailbox simply so I can suck up every beautiful moment. Our world really is wonderful despite the bad things many have to endure. 

Even the nursery brings about a sense of wonder in me. Imagining our future unfolding in that room. Seeing it come together piece by piece and bit by bit. I imagine rocking our Lukas in there and watching his angelic face as he sleeps ever so peacefully. I imagine our boys playing together on that floor as brothers. Watching their love and admiration for one another play out right there in front of me. With that said I decided to post one teeny tiny teaser picture for you all. Its the crib skirt I made, which just fits into the room ever so perfectly.

taken with my cell phone - what do you think?

With all of this wonder running through my mind and my heart I have to admit - I am nervous and a little scared. Our big appointment at IU is just six short days away. I am a little anxious about meeting our new team of doctors. And I am over the top anxious about this extensive ultrasound and follow up fetal echo. Everytime I think about it I sit there and say to myself "what if they find something else?" or "what if something has changed for the worse and we get more bad news?" I realize this is not the best way to view this upcoming appointment, but I would be lying if I said those thoughts didn't cross my mind occasionally. I am ready to see how much my boy has grown though. To see his tiny fingers and toes and the outlines of those little facial features I just love so much. His little kicks and movements have become so strong its incredible. I just know in my heart everything will be okay, but I have my freak out moments every now and again just envisioning this appointment. But I know its a step in the right direction. Its another step in this story that makes it so beautiful. Its another step towards the majesty and wonder we will know in the months to come and another step towards meeting the little boy who had my heart from hello.

And I just felt like I needed to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who has read our blog and prayed for Lukas. It really means so much to me. Just to know that you would take a moment of your day to pray for the health of a child you have never met is beyond incredible. You have truly cradled my broken heart when I needed it most and given me a shoulder to lean on. So for that I just want to say a great, big THANK YOU! 


P.S. - Did everyone notice we will no longer be in triple digit numbers as of tomorrow? That's right - tomorrow I will officially be in the double digit countdown to Lukas arrival! Eek!

There You Go Making My Heart Beat Again.

I know I am terrible and didn't update this weekend. Truth be told, I had kind of a difficult time rebounding from Friday. I finally sat down and filled out my paperwork for my appointment at IU, which took me a little while to get through. Then my "old" OB called. And I sat there afterward and cried for a good half an hour or so. She called to tell me that she was going to miss me and she apologized for not being there for my "final" appointment. She said she had been thinking of me and to please keep in touch with her so that she could help in any way possible. It was just a tough thing for me and just another step in that confirmation process. 

Filling out the paperwork for IU was more difficult than I thought it would be. I assumed it was just an initial appointment, but when I got the paperwork it was noted I was scheduled for an "extensive ultrasound and fetal echo" that day as well. It just knocked the wind out of my sails temporarily. All I could do when filling out that paperwork was say "I can't believe I am really doing this. I can't believe this is real." But it is. And I promise I am coming to terms with it all, but every now and again I get these little setbacks. These little flicks in the face of our new reality that knock me down a peg or two.

And although it is a little late, here is the 25 week belly picture I promised you all:

please excuse my grungy attire - it was comfy to work in

The good news is that in working through my "funk" this weekend, I have the nursery nearly complete. I still need to finish up the last bit of the dresser and allow it to cure for a few days before its sealed with Safecoat Acrylacq, but its looking mighty awesome. I really can't wait to see it all finished and in its place. Everything in that room is just perfect to me. Its such a peaceful, calming space, which is exactly what I was going for. I love every inch of it and can't wait to show it off to you all. I thought about posting some teaser pictures, but I think I might just wait til the whole thing is done because it just doesn't do it justice posting it in bits and pieces. So I promise those photos will be coming soon!

In the meantime, we spent a nice weekend just relaxing. Some of you may or may not know that Jonathan was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis back in January. He had a follow up appointment to check on his liver and such, since the medication he is on is a chemotherapy agent known to be tough on the liver. He has also been having a lot of numbness in his hands and fingers, which he wanted to check on. His liver enzymes were elevated, which means he needs an ultrasound on his liver just to make sure all is well. In addressing the numbness and lack of motion in his hands, his doctor said the inflammation in his joints can cause carpal tunnel like symptoms. So he is going to an occupational therapist on the 8th (the same day as our first appointment at IU) and getting splints for his hands to use while at work and when doing activities involving a great deal of movement from the joints in his hands and fingers. So its been another eventful week to say the least.

Before I wrap it up, I just had to share a little video clip with you. Riley talks about Lukas all the time. I mean all.the.time. He knows I have been working on Lukas' "bed" and dresser. He knows Lukas is in my belly and he constantly tells me Lukas isn't here yet. We do our "love you train" quite frequently, where Riley will say "love you mommy, love you daddy, love you Hayden." Well, now he's added a new name to that mix. My heart melts when he says "love you Lukas." So in the spirit of being gushy and loving on my little boy who isn't feeling so hot today, I had to share with you all those three beautiful words - "love you Lukas." Everytime I hear those words, the lyrics of Sugarland play in my head - "there you go making my heart beat again" - because that's exactly what it is. It makes my heart beat stronger and prouder. P.S. - Sorry the video is sideways. I forgot how to correct it - whoops.

As always, please keep praying and thinking of our little Lukas. Your prayers and words mean so much to me and they keep me strong!

Good Life.

Good morning everyone! Jonathan and I are almost 25 weeks along now, which just seems crazy to me. The weeks really have been flying by and its hard to believe in just two short weeks I will officially be in the "home stretch." I am terrible and forgot to take a belly shot this week, so please forgive me. I promise one this coming week to celebrate the big two-five.

In other news, I have been keeping myself busy with little (and big) nursery projects. I have been in a little bit of a funk this past week or so. In order to work through that little slump, I decided to keep myself preoccupied with pretty much anything I could get my hands on. Last Friday we got the nursery painted in a day, Saturday we bought the crib and some new beds for our big boys, and Sunday I went to a birthday party for my friend's one year old little man. But, we got the crib put together and its sitting in the room next to my oh-so-comfy chair and a little side table. The only other big piece of furniture is the dresser, which my Dad and I worked on together Monday. Let's just say it was definitely a labor of love. We worked on getting it sanded down for many bone chilling hours out in my garage. We had to change the original plan for what the dresser was going to look like, but I really like the new plan too. I can't wait to show it off as soon as its done. 

Speaking of the boys beds, we got those set up in the boy's new shared room this weekend as well. Unfortunately, Riley can't let Hayden have his own bed all by himself so he climbs in with him and they end up with a communal bed. Its kind of funny and cute all at the same time. They love sharing a room and that whole transition has gone much better then I ever could have anticipated.

Sleepy boys

Riley being silly at Grandma and Grandpa's

I have to gush on my mama-in-law a little bit. In the midst of my funk, my husband's parents got me a beautiful little gift. Something for me and for Lukas. Its a necklace from the Open Heart Collection by Jane Seymour. Its an angel with diamond wings and I love it. Its just perfectly perfect. So, thank you Lee and Dave!

I love this necklace - its beautiful

I don't really know how to describe exactly how I have been feeling this week. Nervous, anxious, scared. You name it, I have probably felt it. It was a little worse yesterday when I got those papers - the ones I need to fill out for my first appointment at IU. Its just another confirmation that this is all really happening and not just a figment of my imagination. I am feeling a little more at peace with everything now that I have had nearly a month for it to really sink in, but I still have my moments. I am definitely still scared and there are still days I just want to shut myself in my bedroom and not get out of bed. I still have bad dreams and am still not sleeping great. My husband asked me why I was rushing so much on all the nursery stuff and he told me just to take a break for a while. I simply told him I can't. Its my way of keeping my mind off of things. When my mind starts wandering, I get lost in these projects because it helps to keep me sane. It helps to keep my mind off of those scary "what ifs" and that vast expanse of the unknown. I just think about things I never have before. I have tried shopping for cute little clothes for him several times and I keep talking myself out of buying what I see because I have no idea how big he will be, how long he will be in the hospital, how long his incision will be tender, etc. I dwell on these things. They cross my mind at least once or twice per day, usually more. But when these thoughts turn sour, I always remind myself we are lucky in so many ways. We are so blessed beyond belief. I know our son will have a rich, beautiful life because everyone in my family (including us) will fight tooth and nail for it. And it will be beautiful. All of the little speed bumps will be worth it and we will all come out the better for it. We will appreciate life on a deeper level. We will appreciate one another on a deeper level. We will savor every single second of every single day. It will be beautiful - that's what I tell myself every single day. It will.

So - next up on the agenda is my first appointment with the perinatologist at IU on the 8th. Less than two weeks to go. And as always, please keep praying for our sweet little man!

Eventful.

That's probably how I would describe these past several days. Eventful indeed. 

As you all know, Tuesday was my final appointment with my beloved OB, Dr. Bemenderfer. I was really bummed to learn that she was actually on vacation this week, so I saw a nurse practitioner instead. Overall the appointment went well and was somewhat uneventful. Blood pressure looked good and all that jazz. I filled out the paperwork to have my files transferred to Dr. Schubert's office and that was that. It was with a lot of sadness that I walked out those doors that final time in my pregnant state. I know I can always see Dr. Bemenderfer for my "girly" issues, but I loved her being my OB with my son. She did such a great job with my delivery and I was so very excited to get to share that experience with her again. This go round just wasn't meant to be and I have accepted that as part of this journey. 

Yesterday was a bit more eventful though. I went to pick up an order from Best Buy after I dropped Riley off at school and to make a long story short, I fell rather hard. I was getting Hayden out of the carseat and stepped backwards onto a bottle or some piece of slippery trash that rolled under my foot (it was extremely windy yesterday) and my foot came out from underneath me. I had Hayden in my arms and I absolutely refused to drop him onto the concrete, which meant I took the full brunt of the fall on my hip and part of my belly. As a precaution I called to let the doctor know what had happened and they immediately wanted me to go in for monitoring, as they said anytime you fall after 23 weeks they want you checked out just to be on the safe side. So I went to labor and delivery for the first time this pregnancy and I am a little ashamed to admit something. The cries of the babies and the celebrations in that ward got to me a little bit. I started getting teary eyed thinking in just a few months that won't be my reality. That's not to say I wasn't happy for those moms and dads and for those beautiful, happy babies that just entered this world kicking and screaming. But, I was kind of happy to be escorted to the little nook that is triage away from the hustle and bustle of the maternity suites. All in all, I was strapped to the monitors for 4-hours. During that time Lukas was moving all around. They had trouble keeping up with him because he just plain didn't like that monitor being on him. I also have some uterine irritability, which I figured I would seeing as I had it with both of the boys. I had some contractions, but they all figured I was safe to go home. So home I went.

Today I have spent painting and cleaning the nursery space, much to the dismay of my mother and husband. I actually set out to only get started on the painting and ended up doing the whole things - whoops. We are heading to get the crib tomorrow and some new beds for our big boys too. So Jonathan's parents ever so graciously offered to watch the boys while we did our thing. I am also planning on getting the dresser for Lukas sanded down tomorrow to start the processing of staining and painting it, which I must admit I am way excited about. I have been itching to do it all winter and it looks like the weather might finally cooperate long enough for me to do so.

Other than that, I am doing okay. Just trying to take it a day at a time and let everything sink in. I am to the point now where I have accepted it for what it is. There is no sense in me upsetting myself over things I cannot change. So I am in the mindset now that I need to make the best of it and try to enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy while I can. I know there will be rough times ahead, so I need to save my strength for those intense, emotional moments. A great big bear hug and a thank you to everyone who has checked on me over the past week or so. Love you each so much!

I apologize for the lack of pictures in those post, but there are some great ones coming tomorrow. Think nursery, belly shot, the works =)

Keep on prayin' my friends and have a safe and beautiful weekend!

Quickie.

Just wanted to give a little quick update. I apologize I have been a little absent from this blog for the past couple of days. We have all been slightly under the weather here at the homestead, but I promise a nice, big, long posting tomorrow chronicling my final appointment yesterday with my beloved OB (tear).

Until tomorrow my friends....keep praying!

Difficult.

As of yesterday, we are officially 23 weeks. Each week literally just feels like it is flying by. So in honor of the big two-three, here is an updated snapshot of the ever growing baby belly:

I just noticed the bottom of my shirt was rolled up...grrr I hate that!

This week has been....difficult. I won't sugar coat it. I have had a tough time since my second echo. I think its just the confirmation that this is the "real deal" that I have struggled with this week. All of that fear of the unknown I had allowed to soften and melt away returned with a vengeance. A big part of that came from the phone call I received yesterday. The Maternal Fetal Medicine office called me with my transfer information. My first appointment at IU with my new perinatologist is March 8th. I will be seeing a fantastic physician named Dr. Schubert, whom I have heard miraculous things about. I was asked when my next OB appointment was scheduled, to which I replied this coming Tuesday the 15th. They told me to please keep that appointment, as they had spoken with my OB and the OB nurse at the practice who were updated and informed of the need to transfer hospitals and prenatal care. She then told me this would be my final appointment with my OB and I have to admit something. When I hung up the phone, I cried. Hard. I hate that my relationship with this amazing physician whom I love and trust is ending so prematurely, even though my top priority is doing what is in Lukas' best interest. I know that means a transfer of care, but I still had a difficult time with it. Harder than I had anticipated anyway.

I have also had some trouble sleeping lately and I have nightmares which wake me up when I am finally able to fall asleep. I know this is just those subconscious fears shining through in their own unique way, but there have been many nights these "dreams" have woken me up in tears. Big, heavy tears. During the day my mind just runs wild; like a mouse in one of those wheels. Its hard to turn the thoughts off. Its hard to tune out all of these "what ifs" and worries I have about the future and how this or that might affect Lukas and the boys.

I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she talked about when we spent the day at Paige's volleyball tournaments here in town. She told me she had to drive around for quite a long time afterwards because she got to thinking about all of this and it upset her. She said she has looked through pictures from my childhood and just thought about the fact that you never know what the future holds for your children. I found myself doing this just the other day. I looked back at pictures on my computer and albums I have on Facebook. I thought about this very fact. I even looked at pictures from Richard and Mandi's wedding in September when I was pregnant and had no idea and just thought about the fact that I never would have guessed what the months ahead held for us. What defining moments and what new story lie in waiting. Its changed my life. I never thought about these things in the past nor had I ever prepared myself for something of this magnitude. Something that would rock my very existence to its core and force me to make decisions I never dreamed I would be making. But, I think about how this has changed my life for the better too. It makes me looks at things differently and view the world in a different light. Although my heart aches beyond comprehension, I love Lukas so much. I feel this immense sense of pride and joy at just knowing I get to be his mother. God could have chosen anyone, but he chose me. I get to hold him, kiss him, love him, and comfort him. I get to watch him grow and change. I get to watch my boys become big brothers and witness first hand their unconditional love and pride for their new little brother. In the face of all the difficult things to come, these beautiful points are what keep my heart beating and keep my head from totally fogging. God chose me for a reason and I am determined not to let him down.

Remember that book I told you about? The Twelve Gifts for Healing by Charlene Costanzo? Well, in that book, the second gift for healing says: may you release all regrets and resentments. I have a lot of regrets in my life. Too many to mention. I haven't always made the best decisions and I have resented myself for making some of the foolish mistakes I have because they did hurt and effect others. When we first learned of Lukas' diagnosis, one of the very first things I thought was "this is my punishment for the stupid things I have done; for the hurt I have caused." I know God doesn't work that way though. He doesn't punish and he doesn't cause bad things to happen. So today I am officially releasing all of those regrets and resentments. Think of it as just one of the many steps in my own process of healing and changing for the better.

I promise I will wrap it up. I know this post is overly sentimental and I apologize for that. On a brighter note, my boy is back to himself now. He was even talking to me under his door the other day when he was supposed to be napping and I got to witness him falling asleep talking to his mama. And it was precious. The temperatures are also warming up a bit which means this frost bite inducing cold is beginning to dissipate along with the snow and ice accumulated on every inch of Earth around here. 

My sleepy talker - I promise I moved him to his bed as soon as I took this picture =)

I know I ask this at the end of every post, but please keep praying and thinking of our little Lukas. I know all of these positive thoughts flowing out into the universe are doing good =)


Have a lovely weekend everyone!