Traditions.

Thank you to Log Cabin for sponsoring my post about updated traditions in my household. To learn more about Log Cabin Syrups (which are all free of High Fructose Corn Syrup), breakfast for dinner, and other new ways to update traditions in your home, click here. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

Traditions is something I definitely value in my home. It was a huge part of who I was growing up and what made my family special. Now that I have little ones of my own, traditions are more important than ever. One big tradition that has been updated in my home is the idea of "drinner" or breakfast-for-dinner. This is something my parents did frequently when I was child and an event I always looked forward to. Of course, back then it was the classic breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. We've changed it up a bit in our house to one of our boy's favorites: french toast with confectioners sugar and LOTS of syrup. Riley and Hayden are always a sticky mess afterword, but they love every second of it. 

We've also updated our holiday traditions. Before children, my husband and I never opened presents on Christmas Eve. We didn't wake up with that "have to open it this second" itch that we did when we were younger. Now that the boys have graced our lives and filled our hearts we have our parents over every Christmas Eve and the boys get to open their presents from their grandparents. Of course, they still have to wait until Christmas morning to open the ones from Jonathan and I. Every year we buy them matching button-up Christmas pajamas and they eat it up. They have a hard time going to sleep amidst all the excitement and anticipation.

Even birthdays are somewhat different than they used to. The boys always get their present early from Jonathan and I. Its just our way of quietly celebrating with them and only them. Its our way to enjoy the bright smiles and loud shrieks we receive at giving them a gift that's meant only for them. Its what makes our world go round and I love it. Every second of it.

 
So how about you all? Any awesome traditions you would like to share with me? 

Update.

Hey friends. I know I have kind of been a zero on the blog this week. I haven't felt good all week, but I promise a much longer blog posting this evening, ok? Thanks for being patient with me!!

Eight.

Holy eight weeks Batman! That's the maximum number of weeks we have left until Lukas graces our lives and changes our worlds. Eight at the most. Wow. I know everyone says this, but it feels like I blinked and it all went by so quickly. Its been a bit of a whirlwind since we found out Lukas' diagnosis and things are only going to get busier in the following weeks. It makes the days fly by quickly and its all means a step closer to meeting this amazing boy with such a special heart for the first time. And I absolutely cannot contain my excitement. I've dreamed of that moment and I don't think my dreams could ever compare to reality. As scared as I am, I can't wait.

While I feel for the most part I have been doing okay with things, I did have a bit of a slip last week. After my appointment I had a big breakdown. I got to have an incredible talk with my mother-in-law about things and it really brought back some of those emotions, but not in a bad way necessarily. I think I have tried so hard to push them aside in the past weeks that they all came flooding back in an instant. I had a hard time fighting off the tears when talking to her. Truth be told, I have trouble with every echo. Its just that reminder of what is and what the future holds for our boy. It hit me hard when we first found out about Lukas' diagnosis. I felt like my whole world fell apart in that instant. Like someone had hit me in the stomach as hard as they could and just left me lying there gasping for air. Each echo is a reminder of that feeling. It takes me a little while to shake that feeling after each appointment, but I can generally do it. Tuesday was different though and I'm not really sure why. It wasn't a bad appointment at all. It was in fact a very good appointment filled with some good news (especially about Lukas' valve and his growth). But as the weeks grow shorter our story hits me harder. Lukas' story hits me harder.

The hardest part for me is the sense of guilt and the sense of failure. Everyone tells me that there is nothing I could have done differently to prevent this happening and while I believe that deep down, it doesn't remove those feelings from my heart. I am his mother and my job as a parent is to keep him safe and free from harm. I feel like I failed at that fundamental duty. Every parent has this unwritten code that says we never, ever want bad things happening to our children. We don't want them to face hardships or rough patches in life. We don't want them to suffer, be in pain, or endure things we feel to be unfair. We don't want to stand by the sidelines and watch as these things happen before our eyes and feel powerless to do anything to stop it. That's exactly where I am. I feel powerless. I'm not in control of the situation and truthfully, that's tough for me. I have told you all before - I take things hard. I grieve and think hard and deep. The idea of sitting there watching my son go through these levels of care that most of us will never know in our lifetime gets to me. I thought yesterday about the day Jonathan and I will have to hand him over for surgery and it was almost more than I could bear. No parent wants to hand their child to someone who is going to crack their chest open and stop their heart, even when we know its necessary to keep that beautiful heart beating. 

This week I have honestly wondered where I am going to find the strength to do this. I used to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but I have never had those limits tested to the extent they are being tested now. My heart aches and I would give anything in this world without so much as a seconds hesitation to keep this from happening. Unfortunately I can't stop it. I am powerless in this situation and I just have to believe that things will be okay. I have had numerous people ask me how I am dealing with it all and whether I just try not to think about it. To answer that question - I think about it everyday. Every waking moment its on my mind. Sometimes though we have to pick our battles. Could I sit around everyday and cry over what's happening? Sure. I am definitely emotional enough to do so, but I can't. In this instance, I am powerless. It breaks my heart in ways that are impossible to explain, but I am powerless to do anything different or stop it from occurring. Its reality and I have to face it. I have two beautiful little slices of Heaven sitting next to me as I write this who need their mama. They need me to be whole and be present for them; to take care of them and love them despite the edits to our story. So that's what I try to remember when the days get tough. I run to them and hug them because they make my heart stronger. Their smiles, laughs, and little mannerisms make my heart so, so much stronger. These two little boys will never know what they have done for their mama. Little as they may be, they prepared me for the beauty and hardships that lie ahead because they made me stronger and they made me better. 

Sorry this post was so long and deep.  This blog has really been an amazing outlet for me. Its been so incredibly helpful to me to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with you all and hear the encouraging words so many of you have sent me. They have helped so much and I read every single one of them, usually multiple times. I appreciate every single person who has ever visited our blog, said a prayer for our family, and thought of our little Lukas during their busy day. You guys are incredible and thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Please continue praying for our boy and please take a moment to pray for the family of Harrison Mack. They lost their sweet 5-year old little boy while waiting for a heart transplant.
 

Say What?

I promised I would update you guys! I had another appointment at IU today for one of my biweekly check ups, a growth scan, and fetal echo. I learned some new things and reiterated some of the old. First and foremost, his growth scan went beautifully. Everything with the exception of his heart still looks perfect. They even estimate that he weighs a whooping 3lbs 8oz right now and it even appears that his growth may have caught up a bit! I was most pleased with that prospect, even if it is just a mere estimate. We got some super cute pictures too. He definitely has the same nose little Riley does, which made me tear up. His little profile and chubby cheeks were the sweetest little things. Of course he has 9 tons of placenta mushed up against his little face so the tech couldn't turn the 4D on. I was a little bummed about that, but we wouldn't have seen much anyways because stinker had his hands right up in his face the whole time. So we either saw hand or placenta. Boo. Maybe next time, eh Lukas? Mama wants to see that sweet little face of yours! P.S. - Here's a little belly picture for you all from today. I apologize its on my phone though so the quality isn't exactly stellar =(

(sorry for the dirtiness of my mirror - yikes)

his nose and upper lip - that big blob next to his nose is my placenta (told you he is smooshed!)

The echo also went well. This time we saw Dr. Farrah, who was incredibly kind and informative as well. She really took a lot of time to ensure every question I had was answered and each question with met with an incredibly knowledgeable response. She even explained this incredibly amazing mission trip she is taking along with Lukas' very own Dr. Turrentine to Amman, Jordan where they are going to operate on the tiny hearts of 12 very deserving little ones who wouldn't have the means to receive these operations any other way. Pretty cool, huh?

love this special little heart =)

In any event, the cardiologists are still very confident in their diagnosis of truncus type I. I did learn that only about 40% of babies with truncus get the opportunity to go home for any amount of time before their operations. In some ways I had expected that, but it still tugged at my heart a bit to hear. Dr. Farrah told me that one of the biggest concerns in babies with truncus is that common truncal valve because this will eventually become his aortic valve. In a normal, healthy human heart it is a tricuspid valve, meaning it has three leaflets. However children with truncus can have up to 6 leaflets with some abnormalities of the valve itself. This of course creates the concern that the valve won't function as it should. Dr. Farrah said they can tell somewhat by echo if the valve is narrowed or leaking by taking a peek at the outflow from that common valve. She did this today and noticed only a small amount of backflow and very minimal narrowing, which is good. The best news though? She got a perfect look directly on top of Lukas' truncal valve. It only has 3 leaflets! Woo hoo! Now, they won't be able to get an accurate picture of how that valve looks and functions until after he is born though. But for now that is awesome news. You could clearly see each of the three leaflets and watch them move. Amazing stuff indeed. My mother-in-law also got to go with me and witness everything too, which I think she enjoyed =) 

The end of the appointment was a little interesting if I may say so myself. You see, I was under the impression I would have non-stress tests at each appointment starting at 32 weeks. Clearly I was wrong in this assumption. I have to have them twice a week until I deliver. TWICE A WEEK! What? That means sometimes I will grace IU's campus up to three times in one week alone depending on the dates of my appointments/growth scans/echos. I have so many appointment cards in my purse its crazy! Everyday is an adventure, I tell you.

All in all it was a good appointment, even with the little twist there at the end. On a totally unrelated note, I am so sad for our Butler Bulldogs! I wish they could have brought home the W, but they had an amazing season and I am still so proud of them. My big brother is a Butler grad, so that school will always have a special place in my heart =)

Have a happy Tuesday friends and please keep a-prayin' for our sweet boy!

Holland Has Tulips.

I know I'm awful and didn't update Friday with a new belly picture. I wasn't feeling so good over the weekend so I attempted to get some rest. I promise to update with some new pictures of my little fella tomorrow after my appointment though. Maybe a belly picture too. Promise! 

Over the weekend I met a new heart friend whom has a little boy with truncus as well. She shared her story with me and answered some of my questions, which I deeply appreciated. She also sent me a wonderful poem. I had heard bits and pieces of it before, but never the whole thing. It was written by Emily Perl Kingsley and it's called Welcome to Holland. The poem was actually written to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability and while I in no way, shape, or form see truncus or any other CHD as a disability, it really is a beautiful poem and very descriptive of how life sometimes feels knowing what we know now.  Here is the poem for your enjoyment:

Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley

"When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

So maybe this trip to motherhood wasn't exactly the the Italy I had planned, but its still a beautiful place. Even if was going to be my third trip to Italy, I desperately wanted to go there again. I wanted to experience that world for a third time, but plans sometimes change. I wasn't taken to a wretched, awful place at all. And I have met a slew of people I never would have had the pleasure to know before now. I was one of those 1 in 100 that get a detour and an unexpected change in flight plans. You know what though? Even if this isn't Italy, it is still full of beauty and wonderment. 

And the truth is, I will probably always mourn that loss of the journey I didn't get to take for a third time. It is a big loss, just like the poem says. But that doesn't mean I don't love or enjoy where I am now; in this different place. I am still taking it all in and admiring the scenery and joy that abounds. Just because this is Holland and not Italy doesn't mean I can't stop to admire those windwills, tulips, and Rembrandts. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.

Even though I wasn't feeling good this weekend, we still had a good one. The weather outside yesterday was perfect. It was warm and sunny and it was like the perfect little drop of sunshine fell right here in our backyard. And believe me the boys soaked it up. They played outside on their swingset and with their bubbles and they ran and laughed and had fun. So hopefully the winter cold won't find its way in our neck of the woods again and maybe more of these joyous outdoor adventures can finally take place. 

And Riley's spring break is over now, so he is way excited to go back to school today =)

Happy Monday friends and I hope your weekend was beautiful and filled with fun! And please say a prayer for our boy tomorrow, as we have another growth scan and fetal echo. 

P.S. - Sorry for the lack of pictures in this post. I promise lots and lots tomorrow when I update after my appointment!

Sew-a-Thon

In a desperate attempt to keep myself busy and make the time pass quickly until my appointment on the 5th, I have been sewing like its no one's business. My mom laughs at me because she constantly comments on my new "domesticated" nature. She even said my Dad was a little surprised by the fact I do this stuff. I will say, if you asked me years ago whether I would own a sewing machine let alone use it or enjoy it, I probably would have told you that the cheese had slid off of your cracker. No way, no how. But I do own a sewing machine and I do enjoy making things. To me, its a challenge. I love to take up new things and test my abilities in different ways. I will admit, I am no pro. My stitches aren't always perfectly straight and there are times I have to start over multiple times. But it is oh-so-satisfying when I can get the job done and make something out of what used to be a pile of fabric and notions. 

I started off making my soon-to-be new cousin Ashley (she is marrying my cousin Brandon in June and she's awesome!) a cute little clutch. You see, I promised to be a lot more active in helping her with wedding prep, as I know how stressful it can be. Then we found out about Lukas' heart defect and I became less than helpful. And I felt bad. I wanted to do something nice for her to tell her I was sorry, especially considering how often she texts me just to say she is thinking of me and Lukas or comments on my Facebook posts to say she can't wait to meet him. She totally rocks. It was my first attempt at ever creating something of this nature, but it turned out pretty cute despite some its imperfections. I even made her a customized little label with her and Brandon's names and their wedding date. Just so she would always have something to remind her of that magical moment in their lives when she looked inside. I even tried super hard to find some fabric(s) that matched her wedding colors. 

I also made Lukas some soft soled crib shoes. They are so tiny and sweet that I just want to eat them up. I can't wait until sweet little newborn feet fill them. The ones in the middle are totally seamless and reversible. I finally figured out how to do it!! So more will be coming his way, I assure you.

taken on my phone so I apologize for the grainy-ness

Then I rounded out my sewing adventures yesterday by making myself some nursing pads out of organic cotton sherpa. They are soooo soft. Like the inside of a brand new sweatshirt. I am planning on making more, but it was late and I think Jonathan was getting annoyed with my sew-a-thon.

also taken on my phone - sorry guys! (there are also two of each, just hidden under one another)

My little sewing adventures have definitely been keeping me busy, which is a good thing. I want to make so, so many things for Lukas and the boys its not even funny. I find myself actively having to shut off my brain in order to concentrate on one project at a time. Its just fun and I always think those handmade treasures are so much more meaningful. Even when I got a little frustrated, I still kept smiling because I could see these little projects transforming into something more than scraps of fabric and it made my heart soar. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, which is a feeling I haven't exactly felt privileged to know in weeks past. And it felt so great to share photos with my family and friends to hear them say they thought my projects were awesome. That little boost sure did feel good - even if they do feel obligated to say they like it =)

So now, Tuesday is but a blink away. Its going to be a long appointment, but I am excited to see my sweet boy on ultrasound again. They are doing another growth scan so I am desperately looking forward to seeing how his growth has changed and how big he might be right now, even if it is just an estimate. They are doing another echo too, so I am excited to see that magical little heart fluttering away on the screen and watching it pump so perfectly right now despite its imperfections. I don't really dread these appointment anymore, which I feel is good. Even though I know the appointments are going to be long and the drive downtown in rush hour traffic isn't exactly my idea of a good time, its all for the greater good. Its all part of motions that will eventually land my beautiful boy right in my arms. And I can't wait because its going to be amazing.

So my friends, have a beautiful rest of the day. Hopefully the sun is shining and its warmer in your neck of the woods than it is in mine =) Keep smiling friends and keep on praying for our tiny Lukas! 

P.S. - can you believe we are going to be 30 weeks tomorrow?? AHHH!

Squirrels and Tractors.

Happy Monday friends. I hope everyone had a good weekend and you all did something fun. The weather here was a bit deceiving. It was super sunny and looked oh so refreshingly warm outside. That is until you actually tip toed out there. Nature was playing a serious joke because it was bitterly cold. I think it only got up to something like 37 on Saturday. Brrr...

But we did have a good weekend despite the cold. Saturday we decided to go on a drive because I have been wanting some woodsy/outdoorsy photos to have printed and hung in Lukas' room. On the way we decided to drive out to Jonathan's uncle's farm and snap a few pictures for fun. 

I have this obsession with combines...don't ask me why

Jonathan's cousin Cadence just got a full time job at John Deere in North Carolina, so these seemed fitting

We had a lot of fun on the farm wandering around and looking at everything. Its the first time (sadly) I had ever really been there and really taken the opportunity to drink it all in. You have to admit, there is something pretty neat about farming. So thank you Marlon and Renee for allowing me to photograph your beautiful property!

Jonathan, the boys, and I then ventured to where my husband grew up. Its out in the country and we found a pretty cute little squirrel eating on top of a fence post. It was fitting because Jonathan has this affinity for squirrels. He constantly makes up these stories about squirrels and its hilarious. We were in Washington D.C. for my grandparents 50th anniversary and we stayed in their beautiful home. They live just down the road from CIA headquarters and Jonathan made up this whole elaborate story about the CIA operative squirrels who took refuge in my grandparents backyard. Needless to say it had my Dad and I laughing quite hard. Oh Jonathan, you silly man.

Is he not the cutest thing ever though?

In any event, it just felt good to relax for a weekend. It felt good to go out and explore and leave some of the worries and cares behind that I have felt in past weeks. It felt good to soak up the beauty of the world around me. And with my family by my side no less. I even got those photos I wanted for Lukas room. Talk about an extra special bonus =)

And so, another week begins. Next up on our agenda is my OB appointment combined with a fetal echo and growth scan on the 5th. Then we meet with Dr. Turrentine on the 13th at Riley, then I have another OB appointment and the beginning of my bi-weekly non-stress tests on the 25th. Yikes. Busy next few weeks coming up, but each passing day is just another step closer to seeing this precious boy whom I love so deeply! And that is definitely something to look forward to.

And even though we couldn't get out and play outside this weekend cause it was a little chilly, I thought I would share a few pictures from the other day of my own two beautiful little squirrels.

His mama makes this same face when concentrating too, haha

and who could forget my little peeping tom - aka Hayden

 Have a happy Monday friends and as always - please keep our sweet boy in your thoughts and prayers!